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My First Ride as an Uber Driver

“IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT YOU’RE UGLY AND HAVE A SMALL DICK, YOU’LL STILL HAVE WOMEN THROWING THEMSELVES AT YOU! WON’T YOU!” Hissed the drunken Medusa as she glared at me from the passenger seat.

“IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT YOU’RE UGLY AND HAVE A SMALL D!#K, YOU’LL STILL HAVE WOMEN THROWING THEMSELVES AT YOU! WON’T YOU!” Hissed the drunken Medusa as she glared at me from the passenger seat.

Yes, this is where the conversation ended up in my first ever job as an Uber driver. Í will take you back to where it all started.

TRIP 1

My palms were sweaty, knuckles white as I clenched the steering wheel with both hands. I glanced nervously at my phone as the street lights flickered overhead. It was 10pm on a cool winters night and I knew it was coming soon. I’m unsure why I was so nervous. I know how to drive a car, in fact, I’m rather a good driver. I’ve just never done anything like this before.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. My phone suddenly lit up with an image of a flashing map and a countdown timer which started at 10 seconds. Should I accept my first mission? 9, 8, 7, 6…I pressed my pointer finger into the screen firmly and the beeping stopped. I took a deep breath and read the instructions on the phone.

– Holly – 4 minutes. There was also a picture of a map with Holly’s location and her phone number.

I took the car out of park and fixed my phone into its holder on the windscreen. “Alright!” I reassured myself, “Lets do this.”

I hit the navigate button on the phone and started driving toward the mysterious Holly. What would she look like and where would I be taking her I wondered? I pulled up out the front of an old pub in a dimly lit street. There were a few people standing out the front of the pub but which one was Holly? Suddenly, my phone started ringing from a private number. I answered it hurriedly. “Hello?” I asked politely. I could hear broken breathing on the other end of the phone. “Hello?!!!” responded the stranger on the other end, “I’m at the bus stop around the corner, can you hurry up?” Said the voice of a girl who sounded slightly agitated. “Sure, won’t be a second,” I replied before hanging up and driving around the corner.

Standing at the bus stop was Holly. A short, thin brunette wearing a floral dress and clutching onto an enormous black handbag. She opened the passenger side door and sat down. Well, she didn’t just sit down, but slumped down onto the seat like a sack of potatoes and slammed the door. Holly then began sobbing. Not your standard sobs, but full blown sobs that caused her entire body to shudder and shake.

“What’s wrong Holly?” I asked. Holly’s hair was now stuck to her face by her tears. She turned to face me and I could just make out her eyes from beneath her matted hair. “Fucking boys!” shrieked Holly as she threw her head back into her chair and stomped her feet on the floor of the car. I was completely at a loss of what to say or do…… I waited a few seconds before awkwardly saying, “Well errrr… let’s get you home then. Where to Holly?” Holly pulled her phone out of her enormous black bag which was sitting on her lap and without saying a single word entered her address into the app.

DESTINATION ENTERED

I started driving toward the destination Holly had entered into the app which was 14 minutes away. Holly sat there with her shoulders slumped. She took deep, sporadic breaths through her nose to stem the flow of snot which had formed a thick moustache on her top lip. The silence was beyond awkward and I considered reaching out to turn the radio on to get through the next 14 minutes. I thought that might be a little rude, so I decided to try and find out what was wrong.

“What happened Holly?” I asked in a soft tone. “Are you okay?”

Holly stopped sniffling and sat up a little straighter. “This fucking jerk just got up and left me at the pub. He didn’t even say anything! Just got up and left.”

“That’s terrible!” I announced in her defence. “How long were you together?” I asked.

Holly started sobbing again wildly. “Only—-A—Week— and —a — half!” She managed to say through her hyperventilating. “We met on Tinder.”

I started reaching for a few cliches to try and make her feel a little better. “It’s ok, there are plenty of other nice guys out there. You will be fine!”

Holly immediately stopped sniffling and slowly sat upright, staring straight ahead. Her voice and demeanour completely changed. “But there aren’t plenty of nice guys out there are there!?” She said in a dark, confident tone. “No, No, No!” She barked suddenly, shaking her head from side to side. “There aren’t any MEN at all!”

Her voice had now reached the point of yelling. I glanced over at her and I could see the whites of her eyes glaring out at the road ahead. She was clenching her jaw and just sitting there, her body shaking.

“There aren’t any men out there at all you IDIOT!” She yelled suddenly causing me to swerve slightly. She continued her tirade, “There are SOOOO many more women out there in the world. It’s a statistical certainty!” Holly now turned her head to face me.I looked over at her with my mouth slightly open. She turned her head to the side and It looked like I was sitting next to the girl from horror film The Ring.

“SO IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT YOU’RE UGLY AND HAVE A SMALL DICK, YOU’LL STILL HAVE WOMEN THROWING THEMSELVES AT YOU! WON’T YOU!”

Holly had now reached hysteria. Glaring at me from beneath her matted hair she started breathing heavily, refusing to look away. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I just stared straight ahead and tried to concentrate on the road. I glanced over at my phone and saw I only had 2 minutes until I would reach Holly’s destination. Just 2 minutes to survive the wrath of Holly.

After what felt like an eternity, Holly sat back in the chair and looked out the passenger side window. I breathed an audible sigh of relief.

I pulled up to Holly’s house and stopped the car. I expected her to leave the car immediately but she just sat there looking out the passenger side window. “Thanks Holly, I hope you feel better tomorrow,” I said in an attempt to coax her out of the car peacefully, but she just sat there. We sat there for a full minute before Holly opened her door and bolted from the car, up her steps and into her house without saying a word.

I have never felt so relieved to have someone out of my car. This was my first ever ride as an Uber driver.

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10 Comments on My First Ride as an Uber Driver

  1. Is it wrong that I laughed?

    Like

  2. Oh my god, you poor thing! Your blog is the best, keep up the good work!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve given rides to strange passengers for free, maybe it’s time to get paid for it?! Ha. Keep up the great blog!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What a nugget I’ve found in this blog! Poor Holly! I feel her pain as a fellow single lady in Sydney trying to meet someone; but lashing out at you whilst you were trying to help her wasn’t the best idea.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I haven’t laughed so hard for a while, well not since spending 2 days in a row playing cards against humanity. Bought your book, thanks for the laughs, keep up the awesome work.

    Liked by 1 person

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