Beep Beep Beep – Alejandro – 5 minutes

I was basking in a sun-drenched Bondi when the call came in to pick up Alejandro. It was a perfect day so I had “Sweet Disposition” by Temper Trap on repeat as I daydreamed between Uber rides.

Alejandro was waiting for me out the front of his old brick apartment complex in North Bondi. He was suave. Not many people can pull off the double denim look, but Alejandro did with ease. A pair of aviators, not the classic style but the kind with the wooden finish, sat upon his head of movie star quality brown hair. I thought boat shoes were out, but for today Alejandro had brought them back in. ”How is he so tanned when it’s nearly Winter?” I wondered as I pulled over to pick up Bondi’s version of Ricky Martin.

“How are you my mayn?” said Alejandro as he sat down next to me.

“Yeah i’m cool man!” How are you going? I responded like a complete nerd.

F#$k! When have I ever replied with “I’m cool man!?” I am a heterosexual man and don’t get that nervous around women, but a guy that oozes cool gets in my car and I fall to pieces. Great.

“I lurrrrrrrrve this song! Can I turn it up?” said Alejandro as he reached forward to turn up my stereo. I didn’t mind, even if it was the fifteenth time I had heard the song today. Alejandro the Brazilian and I were off to the Woollahra Rugby Club. Well, we’re not really, I’m just taking him there because it’s ladies day and Alejandro lurrrrrrves the ladies.

“It’s ladies day mayn!” Alejandro exclaimed in his thick Brazilian accent as he slapped his knee and leaned back in the chair. “Every year this club has ladies day. I don’t even play rugby, but my friend, he invites me you know.”

“My wife’s at home sick but she say gooooo Alejandro! Have fun baby!” he said, almost dismissively.

“Whaaaaaaaat?! I fired back. “Your wife knows you’re going to ladies day?”

“Of course she does mayn, we have no secrets,” he replied as he chewed on a toothpick which had appeared out of nowhere.

Alejandro explained he is in a loving, open relationship which often involves bringing home adventurous straight women to engage in night long threesomes with him and his wife. “Too many to remember” was Alejandro’s response when I asked how many threesomes he had notched up to date.

I pulled into the grounds of the Woollahra Rugby club and it was Gatsby-esque. The clubhouse was brimming with beauty. Swathes of lavishly dressed women poured into the venue like liquid silk. The sounds of laughter, raucous chatter and clinking champagne glasses echoed across the empty rugby field from the clubhouse. This is a party for the god’s I thought to myself as I parked the car. Alejandro and I departed company but fate would bring me back to this oasis soon enough.

I completed a further seven or eight fares when the call came in:

BEEP.BEEP.BEEP Johnny – 6 minutes

The address didn’t register with me right away, I just hit the navigate button and headed back to Rose Bay. It wasn’t until I pulled into the gates of the Rugby club I realised I was back at the party, but things had changed.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. The cordial affair, the civilized soiree, the perfect picture I had witnessed only three hours prior had descended into utter chaos. The first signs of trouble came from a woman who startled me with her screams of, “Aww! F#!k off!” My headlights had uncovered her hiding spot behind a tree, the very spot she had chosen to “cop a squat” and relieve herself. Underpants around ankles, she lost her balance and tumbled backward as she tried to shield her eyes from my headlights. I continued up the driveway in search of Johnny, dodging hordes of burly rugby players who were playing a game which involved sneaking up behind other men, winding up, and slapping them on the ass as hard as humanly possible.

“Oi Oi Oi!” yelled a man in a pink collared shirt as he pointed at me. “Are you my Uber?”

“Are you Johnny?” I replied.

“Over here lads,” The man called out to his comrades.

Three man mountains piled into my car and we were off. Exiting the carpark was like navigating a minefield. One of the passengers in the back wound down his window, reached out of the car, and absolutely walloped a passerby on the ass causing him to stumble forward and spill a full beer before bellowing, “F#!k off c#!t you owe us a beer!” My passengers erupted into a fit of laughter before indulging in a boisterous round of high fives and back slaps in recognition of their victory. As we neared the exit I spotted an old friend. No. Freaking. Way. Alejandro strolled casually by the roadside with a woman under each arm. They were both in hysterics at whatever he was telling them. Who could have foreseen, I would have been better off Ubering home the promiscuous three over the Rugby boys in my car. My night was about to take a turn for the worse……… TO BE CONTINUED.